Men two sizes too small for their britches have already labeled the 2006 Hummer H3 a chick car, which is just stupid. Yeah, the inline five-cylinder engine is gutless on the highway and screams like a pansy when it’s all revved up, but otherwise this is the best civilian Hummer of the lot. It’s sized right, priced right, and provides all that macho B.S. image that people who want play soldier, but would wet themselves if they actually found themselves storming insurgent strongholds in Iraq, want.

That said, the H3 is my favorite Hummer riding on four wheels. It’s got those cool gun sight windows all around, and a giant panoramic sunroof overhead. The dashboard is clean and user-friendly, unlike the H2’s hodge-podge of parts and porno movie air vents. The seats are comfortable and, on our test model, trimmed in piped leather. There’s even room in back for adults and lots of cargo space. It’s not easy to get into or out of the H3, especially with the step rails installed, but if you thought it would be simple to clamber aboard before signing on the dotted line, you deserve dirty clothes. Of course, I think the exterior is way overdone with those exaggerated wheel flares and fake air boxes on the hood, but styling is what converts a Hummer intender into a Hummer buyer, and the H3 certainly looks the part.

Even the driving experience is authentic. Anyone who’s been behind the wheel of the original, the H1, knows it is slow and loud. Same here. But it pounds the worst pavement into submission, that’s for sure. And if you’ve driven on the decades-old surface streets of Los Angeles since the massive rainstorms two winters ago, you know that the H3’s heavy-duty underpinnings and giant tires come in handy even when the nearest off-road trail is hours away.

I drove our Hummer H3 like most of its buyers will: On the freeways and side streets of a large metropolitan area. It will cruise at 90 mph as long as there isn’t a hill to climb, and it can keep up with traffic without any trouble. It’s much easier to maneuver than the oversized H2, fitting into fast-food drive-thrus and low-clearance parking garages. Plus, you can squeeze it into spaces marked “compact” without raising the ire of the Prius owner in the next slot. But the ride is truck-tough, it behaves like any box on wheels might in crosswinds, and visibility through the back window is horrible.

Rumor has it that an H3 Alpha, complete with V8 engine, is in the works for 2008. Guys with “issues” might want to wait until then. Or they could just buy a used H2. I hear that resale values of these fuel-sucking SUVs are plummeting now that gas sells for three bucks a gallon. – Christian J. Wardlaw

Photos courtesy of General Motors